The language of Self love
I work with many people who are absolutely lovely beyond! They are thoughtful, considerate, kind, just to name a few of the values that I really admire - and what’s more, it’s not easy being in London and upholding those values amongst so many strangers, yet they do, we do.
I have always found myself wondering, (with what is also my lifetime challenge) how can the values and the wonderful acts of kindness to strangers and those we know in equal measure, not correlate with how we talk to ourselves inside our head? How does the loveliness not cross over to the relationship we have with ourselves?
And maybe, just maybe there could be a way out of this inner demon harassment.
As a self employed person, my boss is quite frankly, a bit of a colossal B**ch; she rarely lets me take time off, no paid holiday leave and even on a Sunday evening she starts pressurising me. I totally understand that a kind boss makes all the difference to working… It’s a little bit of a shocker when the toxic work environment is self precipitated! Luckily there is a personal awareness and sometimes I do catch myself, and have a strong (positive) word.
Naturally, we are all work in progress and sometimes it can help to think about our inner selves as we would do another person… Someone we wouldn’t dream of causing hurt to, I like to call it, “The best friend Rule” Would I say this to my best friend? Would I say this to my child? And if you wouldn’t, then why is it OK to say it to yourself?
Those who know me, will know the passion I feel about people being different- If we can understand that we are as different on the inside as we are on the outside then we are some way closer to understanding how to navigate the world and also importantly, what advice to take form Insta or Tiktok. (Ideally very little!)
In a deep thought dive I found myself wondering about Love languages and their impact on relationships, and perhaps we can use the same perspective to use them with our relationship with ourselves.
What are the basics of Love languages? Inspired and conceived by Gary Chapman, an American Pastor and Anthropologist, (not a psychologist btw :) he considered that if we are in a relationship with a significant ‘other’, it is more than likely that we have different languages of what represents love to us, he broke this into five categories;
Words of Affirmation:
This love language involves verbal and written expressions of love and appreciation. People who value this love language thrive on compliments, kind words, and supportive messages.
Quality Time:
Quality time is about giving undivided attention and spending meaningful time with your loved ones. People who appreciate this love language value focused and uninterrupted moments together.
Receiving Gifts:
This love language involves the giving and receiving of physical gifts. People who resonate with this love language appreciate thoughtful presents as symbols of love and care.
Acts of Service:
Acts of service refer to doing things for others to express love and support. This can include tasks or favours that alleviate the burden.. People who value this love language feel loved when others help them out.
Physical Touch:
Physical touch encompasses non-sexual physical contact, such as hugs, holding hands, or a gentle touch on the arm. People who have this love language feel most loved and connected through physical affection.
So imagine if…
Our love language is ‘words of affirmation’ and that is so very important to us, and we then say in our heads, “You’re shit, everything you do is shit, you look like shit.” Where does that leave us? -Especially when words of affirmation are so important to us.
Or even if we valued ‘quality time’ the most, and we worked full time and gave extra hours overtime away without even a second thought- What damage is that doing to our psyche?
Perhaps it is important to understand what we value the most, so we can treat ourselves occasionally, or even often, or even all the time. It’s our life, right now, so why not look to what can make us feel better- without too much strain.
So … HOW?
Firstly, its best to figure out our primary love language for where to start a kinder relationship with ourself - have a look online at :
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
It’s a free test, directly from Gary Chapman’s website.
Then have a look at your priority section below and give the options a go, see if life begins to feel a little better :)
Words of Affirmation:
- Write brief, positive affirmations about yourself and read them regularly out loud to yourself.
- Practice self-talk that is encouraging and uplifting: “Yay! Go you!” “I’m proud of you” for a start
- Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of your accomplishments and strengths… Even if they are tiny; I rescued worms from the post rain paths today- yay! :)
Quality Time:
- Set aside regular "me-time" to engage in activities you enjoy.
- Prioritise self-care and self-reflection… Use a journal or voice recording, I rather like a mind map…
- Disconnect from technology and create moments of solitude for self-reflection; forest bathe, bath bathe, meditate - if you like it
Receiving Gifts:
- Treat yourself to small indulgences or items you've been wanting.
- Celebrate your achievements with rewards or tokens of self-appreciation ; I am alway happy with a new pen
- Create a self-care package with items that bring you joy and comfort; I like an “emergency pack” I collect items together to do on an emotional 'rainy day’.
Acts of Service:
- Take care of your physical and emotional needs, such as eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest.
- Delegate tasks or ask for help when needed to reduce stress… People like helping, just ask.
- Engage in acts of self-compassion, such as forgiving yourself and practicing self-care routines.
Physical Touch:
- Engage in activities that promote physical well-being, such as exercising, getting a massage, or taking relaxing baths.
- Practice self-soothing techniques like gentle self-massage or holding yourself in comforting positions.
- Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin… Got to love a comfortable, cosy jumper and winter socks!
And remember, what you love may not suit everyone, you friends may do things differently - Only you know what is important to you and it’s ok for that to be different, so know your Love language so you can work at loving yourself in the way you want and sometimes, need to be loved.
If you want to work on being you and truly get to know yourself, book in, pop Tracey a text : 07976629098