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Tell anxiety to, “F@*k Right Off ” with Hypnotherapy, and if you can’t do it with Hypnotherapy, do it yourself.
Man giving the finger
Remember that saying, “The devil makes work for idle hands.” - The same goes for idle minds.
Ok so, you wake up one day and you’re anxious.
What do you do?
It might be that it doesn’t happen first thing, it may be that it hits you suddenly in the shower (not uncommon), but nonetheless, it wasn’t there before but now it’s in every cell, just waiting for the quiet moments to kick in.
In most cases we can wait for the surge of anxiety to pass and most of the time it does.
Our rational mind concludes that we haven’t slept properly or haven’t been eating properly or are downright understandably anxious, after all, most intelligent folk are suffering from the BREXIT fallout and those future times of uncertainty. Now, on top of that, we are dealing with a strange and complicated present, who knows what is certain with going back out into society, who knows what the future and even present impact of Coronavirus is? We have been living our lives with regularity and relative ease and then, “Bam!” out of the blue comes a virus that locks-in The world
- Who knows what else could happen?
When we consider that, quite probably, the world as we have known it will change for all of us, maybe in a small or huge way. Is it a surprise that we feel anxiety tugging on what underpins us? Our safety, and our security; long gone is expecting that things will be, in the main, predictable and therefore comfortable, suddenly this thing has happened that questions EVERYTHING. -Not just for one of us, but for the whole world!
Life (predictably) probably won’t be predictable for little while longer, so how do we manage it?
A couple of helpful insights to kick into action would be;
Digging deep - looking at how we deal with things at our best, and incorporating the new ways gently and easily.
Who am I when I am being successful?
What do I do differently?
Some of the basics have been lost over lock down, because they are easily lost (as we are great at adapting).
Perhaps the basics are actually some things that we do resonate with success and power, and while hypnotherapy can address the associations long-term, in the meanwhile we can work to feeling successful and tapping in to our power associations.
Do I dress to impress anymore? Do I wake up early? Do I catch up with my friends enough? and most importantly, am I washing, brushing my teeth / shaving and actually getting out and getting my heart rate up?
We are all victims of society at present, and we can choose how we want to be, knowing that.
Do we want to be submissive and withdraw into a weakened position where we allow the fear to take control? Or do we want to be able to stand up to our anxiety, and tell it to, “F@*k right off”?
Society will be this way for a while and of course, we are human and likely to feel our fear in quiet times BUT we ARE human and we are awesome at adapting, so let’s crack on with positive adapting!
Are we a ‘doer’? If so, we need a project to ‘do’. A thinker? We need a project to think about- be those projects creative or educational, we live for action. If we haven’t got a project that satisfies ‘all’ of us, find one, change what we are doing.
There is little we can do in the face of uncertainty and unpredictability, especially when work identities have changed and life identities altered, so the only control we have is being in the present and working on ourselves, right here, right now.
So why not move beyond that fear layer and tap in to our strengths and develop an attitude that fits us best, use our life skills- we have got to this point with all of our qualities, let’s use them to move forward.
Hypnotherapy can help with bringing out your warrior, why not give it a go?
Call: 07976629098
Email: Hypkids@gmail.com
Coronavirus times.
A big shout out to everyone looking after each other! Who knew we could be so thoughtful staying at home?
I am writing this in what is hopefully the final weeks of the lockdown. My FOMO (fear of missing out) has been completely abated knowing that everyone is missing out, phew. However, in the last couple of days it’s been replaced with FONGATHJD (fear of not getting all the household jobs done).
So here am I, rocking my Covid19, Self-styled hair, still looking at the skirting board that still needs painting, still thinking about washing my lampshades (never gonna happen), I still haven’t done a Joe Wicks, and still not created that stunning piece of art for Grayson Perry. *sigh.
https://www.channel4.com/press/news/graysons-art-club
I have however, drunk and eaten…. Why is it that the world of food has totally dominated the household? I wonder if the initial food supplies issues have triggered everyone subtly to have their cupboards stocked for the just in case. It seems what took 20 mins in the past has been replaced with hours. Hours of shopping, prepping, cooking, eating, only to be done all over again in another couple of hours.
I think that’s most certainly ordinary, for a while now all of us have been totally living in the present- the future scary- a huge, blank unknown, we don’t have any future anchors to pull us away from our present thoughts and feelings, holidays no longer booked, scheduled visits to friends out the window and unreachable, so it makes sense that the present is expanding, tasks are expanding to fill the present.
It makes sense that diets have rapidly departed with no, beach body pressure or even if we will have a working body. Sometimes it is really important to let go and know that some things are circumstantial, and it is really important to give ourselves a break, a mental break from all the nagging voices.
So if you are at home and bullying yourself for last night’s glass(es) of wine or binge-bar of chocolate, just for the moment say bollocks to the voice, because you are doing THE most important thing, you are SURVIVING.
So future plan when your future becomes clearer and while you are busy surviving, treat yourself to a big helping of kindness…. In whatever shape or form that looks like, it won’t be long till the wheels get put back on.
I’ve popped a little youtube for a bit of background below…
Photo by Sophie Elvis on Unsplash
5 Top cat tips to sit on the face of anxiety.
Excerpts from The (almost) popular book, Being Mostly Cat.
Cats are selfish, self-centred, self-serving, generally all round Narcissists, yet we LOVE them. Having had a chat with a few top cats on the street, I asked them what the key to their successes were, the premier five are below. The book, if you want a little piece of joy in your hand, can be discovered just here…
Cat tip 1
Make YOU a priority- chances are, if you suffer with anxiety, you’re bottom of the pile when it comes to meeting your own needs. In small and simple steps, begin gently taking time for you.
Cat tip 2
Sometimes when we are in overwhelm and we just cannot stop the internal chatter, override it! Get your favourite song on, a song to invoke memories of joy then, SING ALONG! that way we are listening to our words as well the music- double whammy to happiness! Or at least a few minutes escape- enough time to recharge and reboot.
Cat tip 3
Ok, so it may seem basic, but if the sun is shining, grab that time, Vitamin D nature’s gift can help to stave off anxiety- it is well documented that so many of us in the UK lack this simple vitamin in the colder, rainy weather.
If you can, get away to the sunshine, think about how holidays could work better for you, small breaks instead of the standard two weeks, grab the sunshine!
Cat tip 4
The mind can’t really concentrate to full effect for much longer than 20mins, so take that break, get up, stretch have a doze, yawn, walk around- shake your body from dormant and give your brain a rest, a little power booster does the world of good and you can come back to your work feeling bang on point! Yay!
Cat tip 5
Appreciate just how much sleep YOU need, this may not be the same as your family and friends and it may be that everyone has different styles, take time out to think what it is you need. - What’s more, it’s not a competition to be the most knackered in the room, no awards get won, so really get to know yourself and your sleep.
Ready, Steady, GO!
They’re all back to school.
That’s it.
The holidays are over and once again everyone’s social feeds are full of children in uniforms just that little bit too big, ready to begin their next year. Full of innocence for what’s to come.
They’re equipped for the year to come and full of promise and expectations.
It’s strange that as grown ups, we don’t have those assessment points anymore, years can blend into each other and before we know it we are pounding that same old treadmill that we did last year and the year before… and the year before that…
I keep an academic diary, one that starts in July for that very reason, I find my year is much better beginning in the autumn rather than the depths of the frozen and wet winter. I do this because, like many parents, this is when I come back from holiday filled with vigour for the months to come. So it is now I set my goals, (fair enough, I ignore quite a few of them), but this is the time I can dream, sitting in the garden with a lovely cuppa.
So perhaps you too could consider the same? While the sun is out, you feel positive (and most importantly), the kids are gone, and you can create in this beautiful peace before 3:30pm where it all begins again.
Lost your spark?
10 top tips to getting the sparkle back to life.
1) Watch a TED talk first thing; let great speakers inspire you to begin your day.
2) (My least favourite) Do some exercise; drag a friend out for a walk if you dislike it as much as I do, or give Youtube a go, there’s loads of exercise videos on there. Whatever you do, find a way to elevate your heart to elevate your spirits.
3) Consider the worst things that could happen during the day, and at the end of the day notice how many of the worst things didn’t actually happen. Start mentally collecting the results.
4) Give self hypnosis or guided meditation a go, there’s loads of stuff on Youtube. If you haven’t tried Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, it would be a great start.
5) Do something different, whether that’s (4) or in my case, (2), just give even the tiniest different thing a go.
6) MUSIC! Play those tracks LOUD!
7) DANCE! Remember when the songs sang to you? Feel their joy again, and remember change happens instantly sometimes, this too will pass.
Edwin Starr, Contact is one of my get up and dance favs! (Mind you my boys cringe at my taste!)
8) Give yourself the opportunity to “just do” one or some of those things on your list: Just do 5 minutes on something, whether you do it right or wrong, good or bad, doesn’t matter, just do.
9) Go through your things and chuck some stuff out! Yay! Enjoy the liberating feeling of shedding your old skin, whether its the wardrobe, the kitchen cupboard, the paperwork, Chuck Chuck CHUCK!
10) Talk to the right someone, It does help you know. :)
IF you are constantly giving yourself a hard time, so much so that you have extinguished your own spark, go and find someone that you can work with to find the spark and help to silence that unhelpful critic.
Life is hard enough out there, without it being hard inside your head.
Love is blind and dating should be hard.
There are so many reasons why I feel passionate about writing this blog.
The first and foremost being ‘Reality living’. In all areas of life we are taught to compromise, to listen to our thoughts, to plan, to be reasonable, to be logical; expecting the results that come from hard work, patience and compromise.
And then there’s LOVE.
There’s meeting someone.
A client sent me a youtube video, that says it all, how we worked in our sessions; what we need our goals to be to work within a realistic format and how we could learn to better understand ourselves and our love choices.
The Youtube also mentions DIsney! Hoorah! Of all the things that has corrupted our relationships, Disney and your fairytales, I hold you largely accountable!
When we hold in our emotional space, the fairy tale, we alter our reality expectations and shift our responsibility- Magical things should happen to us.
-Our expectations increase, we expect the ‘prince’ or ‘princess’ and anything short of that isn’t good enough- and soon enough we start searching for the ideal and casting aside anything that doesn’t meet the fairytale expectation. Becoming more and more hopeless or continuing with the same search with no new caveats, no re-think, just the same formula. Until we do eventually become hopeless and eventually angry that anger either turned in on ourselves or the outside world.
And yes, fairytale things can happen to us if we look for them, but to expect the entire story can only lead to huge disappointment.
In all things, behaviour = outcome, in ALL things.
And yes, there is a slither, a variation on the basic rule, some people CAN live on cake and not get fat, but most of us cannot, we find balance and compromise; cake on Fridays (perhaps).
The point is the ‘slither’ it is Possible we can live the fairytale, is it probable?
So what to do?
In the fairytale:
-We don’t expect ourselves to behave like the prince or the princess.
(in the loving, altruistic sense of the labels)
-We don’t expect to do much work, put in much effort
(things should happen TO us)
-We don’t review and re-address, think that we may need to do some work on ourselves
In reality:
(In almost every other thing we do)
We take responsibility where we can;
We work harder for a promotion
We compromise;
We consider that travel may be shit, but we want to do the job
We know sometimes our friends can be arses, but we love them and it’s worth it in the main
We don’t expect to have our needs met incessantly and people around us to mind read, we learn to self soothe and be understanding
We don’t expect perfection and if we do, we know we have to work and work really hard for it.
Reality bite.
I was told a story but a friend the other day….
There was a woman who went to her king and pleaded, “My house is too small! I need a bigger house, there just isn’t enough space!”
So he gave her a cow, slightly confused she took her home. This happened three times over, she pleaded, she got given another cow, she took each cow home until there was just no more room in her house. Tired of squeezing past the cows, she returned once again to the King, and this time he gave her a goose, then another goose, until once again, she couldn’t move for the animals. Really angry she went back to the King- he gave her a chicken, and another and another, all for her to take home. She was grateful for his generosity but despaired at his lack of understanding, her house was too small!
At her wits end, she had just had enough! - Enough of squeezing through the tiny gaps milking the cows, storing the milk, then collecting the eggs, clambering in and out of the spaces, carefully so they didn’t break, then there was the cleaning up the poo.! -This was just NOT ON! SHe was going to confront him no matter what!
So she went back to the king and seeing her desperation, he went with her to look at the house and requested his guards removed the all the hens, all the geese, and finally, all the cows. Once all the creatures had been removed, they walked in together and he said, “Better now?”
In a round about way this is how hypnosis and reframing can work, it gives us space without giving us any more space. When we suffer with anxiety it can feel like life is crowding in, that everything is too much. What we need is the space and the time and resolve to collect ourselves, that’s what I love about hypnotherapy; not only does it give us ways to become more resilient, it also gives us a window to let go and take time away, so that when we are ready to face life once more, we feel like all the cows, the geese and the hens are gone.
Being With An Emotionally Unavailable Man: Guest Blog
Being With An Emotionally Unavailable Man
Imagine your partner is highly intelligent and you know there is a good heart there. He shows his love by holding doors open for you, giving you all the material things he thinks you might ever need. He shows that he cares by making the effort of joining you on your visits to family every so often. He fixes things for you around the house out of love and he tells funny anecdotes during dinner parties. These are some of the ways he shows his devotion.
Now… does this scenario below sound remotely familiar, at least in tone?
Question to my partner: “Do you want to go to the park and feed the ducks?”
Response: “We could go to the park and feed the ducks.”
One might think this is a positive response but really, has the actual question been answered? What if this is most often the type of response you receive? Would you feel you are making your partner happy? Or do you find yourself wondering if your partner is even permitting you to get to know them, to allow you to take a part in making them happy?
So, instead do you liken ‘conversations’ to parallel monologues? Often my partner does this is by keeping all his thought processes inside and a final decision is expressed verbally with virtually no discussion. Moreover, the result can still give no clue as to their personal preferences! It doesn’t just happen with the little things but also more important matters.
Try these other scenarios:
What if you ask your partner why they enjoy a particular sport, which they play several times a week, but they seem unable to express why, they ‘just do’?
Imagine you’ve just taken a week off work to go on holiday and you are looking forward finally to spend some quality time with your other half. You are both on the plane when your parter tells you that he will go play squash every other day during the vacation, several hours at a time with friends, and when he says this he has absolutely no idea he has just hurt you and doesn’t understand why you are upset.
Now imagine trying to discuss your future together, anything which would involve expressing how you feel. In particular you are particularly concerned about trying to determine how your partner feels on topics that are important to you, in order to work things through and reach an agreement or happy compromise. What if, almost always, your partner takes most of what you say as personal criticism and turns into a ball of agitated anxiety, starts fidgeting, edges towards the door and exits, ending the discussion before it had even got going?
The result is the feeling that you’ve never had a deep conversation with your other half. All these basic important matters feel forever unresolved and you cannot recall a time when a plan has ever been mutually agreed (without a painful, annoying bust up).
Whenever it is obvious you are upset and angry with these unsatisfactory exchanges his response in order to make you happy again is to take you out for dinner because he does not know what else to do. He does not know what to say. He keeps his mouth shut for fear of upsetting you further, and you are flabbergasted that he just doesn’t engage in a proper conversation or say the most obvious things that would help.
You try to explain everything from your point of view in simple honest terms in every which way possible. Explanations which everyone else you are acquainted with would understand. Instead his response betrays the fact he still does not get where you are coming from or what you are getting at and you are left wondering does he even know me?
You may at some point tell him to leave you alone, though you stand there in the hope he will see that you just want a hug but he misses the cue completely, leaves you alone as requested and of course does not understand why you are upset thereafter.
Despite all this, you know he is trying his best.
It can take literally years to identity these patterns of behaviour and oddities. If you can relate, perhaps like me you have wondered if your partner is on the autistic spectrum. That might be true to some extent. What is less well known but definitely worth considering is a personality construct or trait, which comes with varying degrees of severity, called Alexithymia, the Greek for ‘no words for emotions’. A person with the condition is called an Alexithymic or Alexithymiac and will experience difficulty identifying and describing emotions in the self and in others. Despite experts saying it affects about 1 in 10 people, there is remarkably little information available about the trait.
However, besides Wikipedia, a particularly good detailed description of Alexithymia posted by an alexithymic can be found on You Tube:
What is Alexithymia? Do I Have Feelings? by Runaway Germ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vN5bagmADe4
I believe Alexithymia impacts me, through my partner, by presenting as insensitivity, his inability to ‘see’ me and an inability to understand how I feel. This can translate to a near total lack of emotional support.
It all sounds rather gloomy but one must remember that Alexithymia does not mean not having emotions, just difficulty deciphering them or ‘connecting the dots’ and therefore it is much harder knowing what to do (including how not to upset other people).
When trying to have difficult conversations, what I have found surprisingly useful is to use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ ones. Also helpful is the use of positive reinforcement.
Lastly, how can I personally tell that my partner loves me? I see it in the way he looks at me; in our joint photos it’s a look often captured on camera! I acknowledge his efforts and limitations. I take note and appreciate the things he does for me and no-one else.
The Closer.
I’ve been compelled To write something for a long time, but, you know, busy lives n all…
My name is Tracey and (Cough), I’m a hypnotherapist
For me, saying I’m a hypnotherapist makes me squirm a little, because either people think I’m a bit spooky or they think, Oooo! Can you cure phobias?! (They obviously don’t ask about weight loss as I like to carry my cake around on my body).
Hypnotherapy is somewhat misunderstood, as something that happens to you, a magic pill and therefore cannot be trusted. Sometimes it can be a magic pill for people but like any plaster over an untreated wound, if the wound isn’t treated it just takes longer to heal.
Work gets done by us, the wound treated, by you.
I suppose before I begin my ‘rant’ firstly I’d like to caveat, that I think counselling and psychotherapy and all the listening arts are fantastic for the right people at the right time, my difficulty is with years of ongoing therapy where the relationship lacks comfort and support but each week an hour is spent, pulling up all the things that could have been done better. I’m not one for spending time reinforcing the many ways I fail.
In the same way that baths are fantastic; there is something lovely about a bath, when you have time for a bath and when you’re in the mood for a bath, and the bath can be so much more than just washing, it is a whole experience. The only thing with Bathing, is more often than not you never feel quite clean, swilling around in your dirty water and if its too hot you come out all sweaty and pulpy and sometimes the water can get too cold and you never quite warm up the water enough, or come out feeling a bit more chilled than when you started. That said, sometimes you have THE perfect bath, making it totally worth it.
The thing with Hypnotherapy (and I liken this to all my clients) is that it’s like a damn fine power - shower; it does the job its intended to do, especially if you don’t have time on your side, you want results; quick and simple. You jump in and out of the shower, sometimes take your time and enjoy the experience, other times just a quickie. No matter what, you are not hanging out being cosseted by your dirty water, you are washing the dirt away, scrubbing the dirt, if need be, and if you need that extra time and warmth, its new and fresh water that cossets.
Both do clean you but in far different ways.
The reason that I’m writing this blog is that whenever I had counselling in the past or whenever I see clients have had counselling, more often than not the counsellors never ‘close the deal’, rarely finish the project and yes we’re not ever ‘finished’ but we do have chapters in our lives and sometimes those chapters need to be closed with the efficiency of having quick shower. I think we have a belief sometimes, that we have a beginning an end, that we become a finished project. Ticking the box for self actualisation; “Tick” I have reached the top of my peak! -Forgetting the peak is just one of many mountain tops in the range, there is no beginning nor end, just different times with different people, and hopefully a bit of self learning along the way so we don’t keep walking up the same mountain.
My learning may not be great and maybe quite ordinary and usual. When I trained to be a counsellor, I knew I wanted to learn how to help people, probably because I have had so many times in my own life when I was crippled by loneliness or fearful of new things and needing some support away from family and friends. But through finding help, I discovered that I too wanted to help, to be there for people and give them tools for not just survival, victory!
Counselling wasn’t for me, because when I needed help; I wanted answers, solutions, more than understanding, my life was a Rubix cube that I wanted to solve, not by pulling it apart and sticking it back together; by ability, by understanding what to do, but sitting in counselling (for me) felt like some riddle where the therapist knew the answers and I didn’t.
If I had a leak in my sink, I I would call a plumber in and I would ask and expect the plumber to fix it.
I wouldn’t expect the plumber to stand at the bathroom door and watch me trying to fix the leak, saying, “oooo! warmer” “Nearly there” -maybe giving me pointers on what to do. I don’t expect that in any other industry and the same goes for counselling/ psychotherapy. Counsellors have had all this knowledge, training and understanding and they observe their clients fumbling around deconstructing their lives in a desperate attempt to fix their immediate problems.
Yes, there is room for taking things steady and gently, but there is more room for cracking on and fixing the problem.
I am all for autonomy and being self-sufficient as a client, and I believe that as clients we need more from our therapists.
We can choose to take onboard the therapists’ learning, and choose to filter, accept or reject what is suggested, as therapists who have spent years in training, this is the least we owe to our practice: Autonomy through respecting that people know what’s right or wrong for them. When we go to therapy, we already know something is ‘wrong’ and we are ready to change. We need answers, solutions, the “how’ to do it and someone to help us close the deal so we can tackle the whole mountain range.
For me, Hypnotherapy is not just about the magic pill, it’s about finding answers; walking away with the tools to get the job done and knowing exactly how to do it.
A-Mazing!
Honestly?
There's no real magic in Hypnotherapy, (although it is magical).
Hypnotherapy is the wonderful and effective combination of both psychotherapy and hypnosis, at the right point, the right time.
We are all stuck within our life mazes, all of us, and like any maze, when you're in it, it's hard sometimes to know which way to turn, or which way is the right way to go.
The great thing about hypnotherapy is that you have someone there for you- that can see into your life maze; that can help you with the twists and turns.
We aren't invested in your outcome other than we want what is best for you.
Of course you can talk with family and friends but there will always be an investment in their opinion because they are family or friends; there will always be influence. The great thing about the therapeutic hour (before even discussing Hypnosis), is that you can say whatever you like, worry free. We don't get offended, nor judge- we are just there for you and your well being. To help make things better.
How liberating and cathartic can that be?
THEN... The hypnosis part, once you can see your maze from this new perspective, the hypnosis can get in 'there' and really make some changes, as it engages your subconscious mind and invites it to change, knowing that change is the best thing for you to do. After all, that's why you are here.
Right down deep in our core, we want to survive, and sometimes, somewhere along the line, that message has got lost or misinterpreted. So once the subconscious mind comes on board, well, then, lets face it, in todays' age, anything is possible.
Meditation on survival: Guest Blog
Sometimes, I have the privilege to work with incredibly bright, articulate and responsive clients to whom creativity heals. It is with honour and gratitude that I have been invited to post this beautiful piece.
Meditation on survival
Let my scars stay with me from the small to the ugly and jagged. Although I wear the type that can’t be easily seen or felt, they are still mine to own. I will display them proudly because I know that none were a mortal wound. I am still here. The years will fade and so will they. Yet I will keep them close to me as a memento of lessons learn’t. It will be with life’s battles that I shall have a high head and a full heart. For I know that my victories depend on failure. A new set of scars to display.
I am reminded of just how lucky I am, that through pain I too have found what gives me peace, and discovered ways to allow my creativity to heal through the work I do.... When I say work, I mean the joy of being able to do what I love.
Narcissism. The truth about cats and dogs.
How the heck does it all work?
At the moment “Narcissists” / “Narcissism” seems to be rather in fashion, thanks probably due to our visual networking era, and no doubt Trump has championed one of the viler ends of the scale, bringing the sheer disbelief that can be attached to Narcissistic behaviour to the fore- and yes, at the Psychotic end of the scale Narcissists and their acts are really unbelievable.
Of course, there is a scale; from the out and out Psychopaths to the, put bluntly, f@*king selfish.
And of course there is the ‘nature’ aspect of our history to consider, when back in ye olde days, hunters had to have focus and single mindedness to hunt prey, and others needed the unity, sharing and supporting each other skills for survival, really important for those who weren’t the hunters of the communities.
So lets think about it in terms of the careless cat and doting dog.
The BASIC measures of what makes a Narcissist a Narcissist are;
They lack empathy, which inhibits their capacity to love and care, in addition,
They are the centre of their own universe,
They deep down believe they are more special, the chosen ones,
All those traits together mean they have a drive, an aim; to be adored and desired and get as much attention as they can….. Any attention. So they are constantly prowling for the best attention givers that suit their individual needs that they can find.
This creates a magnetic, almost magical draw for Empaths, people pleasers, and those of us who don't feel 'good enough'- as the Narcissist always wants to be pleased and people pleasers always want to please, and the, not good enoughs will always keep trying… An all this works until one of them gets tired, exhausted by trying or by keeping the mask up.
Because a Narcissist feels little to no empathy, love to them is foreign, love to us, (those of us with empathy) is endless, bigger than the universe, unquantifiable, abundant…. All those glorious terms that come with love.
But to the Narcissist what they believe to be ‘love’ is limited… Because without empathy, love is, well, different.
Love to a Narcissist is solid and objectified, it has a limit, it is attention based, so the common label for what Narcissists feel as ‘love’ is, ‘supply’- ‘What can you give ME?’
A cat will leave you if you don’t give to it what it wants, a cat will find prey just to play, hungry or not.
To gain their supply, (love) the Narcissist subconsciously (and consciously) tests through expectation;
The first item on their relationship check list is-
Do you adore them, will you adore them?
and secondly,
Will you be able to supply and cater to their needs?
If you can't or don’t you’re out, if you can and do, you’re…milked.
OR..... You may be a slow burner and kept in the background until they think you’re ready.
Rarely does a Narcissist go without supply.
What are your warning signs?
How dog are you?
Have you:
A strong desire to help people, (you may have grown up being rewarded for making your family happy).
More patience than most?
More tolerant than most?
More acceptant than most?
More empathy than most; an Empath?
A career with glamour; be it physical, intellectual or indeed, spiritual?
Glamorous friends and contacts?
Earning potential?
Have a helpful social standing for their needs?
Most importantly
Do you give unconditional love?
Do you put other people’s needs before your own?
Do you believe the good will come if you try harder?
Do you tirelessly really work at things?
If so, you may need:
More protection,
More boundaries,
More strength,
More of those things that 'regular' people take for granted, You need to create more to protect yourself from Narcissistic influencers.
If you have a snippet of doubt that something feels off, any doubt at all, check your boundaries;
Compare- think about how much you have done for this one person that perhaps you don’t do for other people,
Listen, really listen to what your friends say, because you are more dog, chances are your friends will be really solid.
Consider- have you made more exceptions to accommodate the cat in your life?
If so, then,
Strengthen your boundaries and see if they get pushed, and if they do, make your boundaries firmer, practice the art of ‘NO’ by saying 'yes' and slowly distance yourself as much as you can, and work on YOU. Slowly build up your confidence, your strength, your resolve to get away.
The distance will give you strength, getting to know yourself and your vulnerabilities will make you stronger. Learn to trust your instincts and not your grooming.
It’s hard, but you can do it, little by little.
Just my small thoughts with love.
Jingle hells, Jingle hells
It's not you, you know.
This time of year can be hellish, for a gazillion reasons.
If you suffer from anxiety, low self esteem, dodgy self worth, certain phobias, performance dread..... For all sorts of reasons you may feel overwhelmed this month.
Everything becomes MORE, more sound more vision stresses more excitable people, more everything. If you have a sensitive system (and many of us do) this can easily get drained quickly with everything being so temporarily different.
-Not forgetting the, I should be happy because it's Christmas, a recipe for even more anxiety, the self questioning, what's wrong with me? Why aren't I more happy?!
What about being single at this hideously romantic time, or knowing you don't have that family squeezed on the sofa, something that you would really want, not just for Christmas, for life? Dreading that, "So what are you doing for Christmas?" question.
Yeah, nothing is wrong with you, it's just THAT time of year.
That's all very well I hear you think, but what can you do ?!
OK so, 5 tips........
1. Get the present buying DONE- One less stress.
If people love or like you then they should love / like the gift, because it's from you. Put in some thought of how you know them and what you think they may like, and remember, you're not a mind reader, you can only do what you can do.
2. Breathe.
Breathe into your tummy- when we're anxious our breathing becomes shallow, so take time to breathe several times into your tummy, you can add a mantra if you like, I find something like, "this hell will be over soon enough and I can go to bed and be happy"- it's not conventional, but it works.
3. Joyful Hell
Fake it 'till you make it- If you can. Pretend to have fun, until the hell is over- you've got to be there anyway. It IS hell, find solace in the fact that humans are designed to adapt, we have the ability to feel many things at once so why not try to feel two things, joy that it's soon over and the hell of the time..... Just don't pretend too much, you don't want people to invite you again next year.
4. REST
Take time in between the Christmas busy to recharge, if you have to make sacrifices- Make them. Better to enjoy a few things than be miserable in everything....Surely?
So do the usual, the regular- eat well, sleep, meditate if you like that, find some quiet space or a fab piece of music. Theres a great app called 'Relax melodies' where you can create your own sounds, if that type of thing works for you.
5. Remember, It's not you, it's your environment.
Once we know the anxiety is heightened, figure out why, from family members and crowded rooms to crowds in the street and flashing Christmas decorations, it can even be just feeling uncomfortable, once you know it's your environment, you know- IT WILL SOON BE OVER!
Game of Scones.
Back to School for Mums.
As if the kids suffering isn't enough, the whole playground hell is knocking.
What’s that sound? Is it the sound of the clock counting down to that dreaded first day, second day, next week, year after year?
Tick tock…
School time.
School uniform? Check.
New shoes? Check.
Summer of just enough catching up with the school friends to keep the return to school bearable.
New super trendy school lunch box? Nope
-Old, skanky, last year’s much loved (and rinsed and still stained) Tantrum-less lunchbox? Check.
Homework? Check.
Hamster still alive? (for those less fortunate summer sitters (well played school, well played.)) Check.
Full body covered armour? Check.
Flying dragons? Check.
Sanity..... meh.
How to OWN the yard.
Five top tips.
1. Smile, everyone else is terrified too. If you’re going down, go down smiling.
2. Everyone in the school playground is, thinking about THEMSELVES… And their child being the best. No-one actually has anytime for you and yours, let alone what you're doing to survive.
3. Have three questions lined up rehearsed and ready. Yes! It may seem bizarre but It works to be prepared even with seemingly inane casual chatter- None knows whats inside your head.
4. Invite mums ‘in’, use your body by turning yourself to mums mid chat or stepping back to include them, and then ask them what they think, this sets a precedence moving forward, people will subconsciously learn you are safe and inclusive and will more likely gravitate to you in the yard.
5. This is not you. You are mother, lover, friend, independent woman, who do you want to be? You can create whatever sort of yard self you want…. You can walk through the gates like Daenerys walking through the flames (ideally with clothes) into a yard of Dothraki. Just have fun….Know one knows what goes on in your mind.
If in doubt, hypnosis can help too. You can feel a strong, confident player in the yard.
The Transformative Nature of Unrequited Love.
Guest Blog.
The Transformative Nature of Unrequited Love
Whether the relationship was completely imagined, partially begun, or deeply developed, most people have experienced that moment of realisation that it will never be. However, through the pain of unrequited love, the potential for transformation is one of the more powerful and positive reactions.
Our minds can focus on self-improvement when we a yearning for another, because if the self that is rejected is not the person you wish to be, we can often vow to be better. All of the facets of your life that you swore you would improve one day can come keenly into focus. Whether your intention is to lose some weight, spruce up your appearance or become the accomplished individual that you always wanted to be, unrequited love can motivate you to finally pursue your goals.
Having met a seemingly great guy online, he simply disappeared one day. He was French, handsome and had an appealing lifestyle. From the beginning, I was flattered by his attention, and even before he vanished, the transformation had begun. I started to commit to a diet and shed weight. Within 3 weeks, I had dropped the dress size, which I had been trying to lose for the past 2 years. Next, I had always wanted to learn a second language, as I used to cringe at the thought that I had never been able to master one despite having classes at school. Unbeknownst to him, I found myself secretly studying French again! Most importantly, I looked at my life and work. I wondered what had happened to the freelance writing that I had started successfully, but had not pursued for nearly 6 months, and I started to write again.
When he disappeared, I felt so rejected, and I began to questioning why the relationship did not work out. My deepest insecurities surfaced, and I was tempted to sink into the doldrums, but it was precisely the sting of not being accepted that fuelled my commitment to finally take the positive steps, which I had considered for so long. I decided that I did not want to be in the same predicament ever again. I did not want to meet someone, and wonder why I was not introducing them to the person that I knew that I could be with a little more effort. I continued to stick to my diet, learn French and made writing a new focus in my career.
From time to time I have the great fortune of my path crossing with some wonderful people, I'd like to thank this lovely author for this beautiful piece on change.
As a Hypnotherapist, I believe that if we have 'been there' mentally before, we can re-establish those brain patterns, and what more powerful behaviour action could there be than being in love?
Perhaps sometimes we get beaten down in our day to day lives to forget how in love we are with our partner and sometimes we just need a gentle nudge or reminder to activate those mechanisms. Perhaps love feels like a distant memory of a relationship gone by. Whether it is changing our weight or feeling a little spiritually lighter, it can sometimes be really thought evocative to consider,
'What would I do right now if I were in the throes of being in love?'
Have a think, it may be surprising, it may even give you that glimmer of cheer and give you something to act on.
Letting go.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…
Rev Safire Rose
I saw this poem on the internet (probably Facebook) and it resonated. I have been involved in change work for such a long time and sometimes I forget how wonderful and how beautiful it is.
Change doesn't have to be 'shout from the rooftops' radical, sometimes it can be as quiet as the poem and gently, subtly we realise just how different we are and have become.
That essentially is what I love about hypnosis, our mind and our bodies want us to survive, sometimes it's as simple as a mis-programmed safety switch, other times a more complicated system of knots, but hypnotherapy gets right in there, it detangles and allows the flow, and simply helps us to let go, perhaps with fireworks but sometimes just with a gentle sigh of release. It is our own poetry; our life's poetry that somehow gets trapped inside, that hypnotherapy can release, a freedom to be ourself.
We can read all the self help books in the world, from Paul McKenna to Eckhart Tolle and some things will resonate, and we may even make those changes, but nothing beats working with someone to make those changes, to recognise the changes, someone who truly wants the best for us and are by our side through all the challenges. That's the beauty of being a change worker, I get to be that person and get to see and support the incredible changes we are all capable of doing.
In recent months, despite being in the role I have always wanted and worked towards, I have been overwhelmed with extra work; all the stuff that in running a practice is unseen, family responsibilities, the elderly dog, the dreaded admin- all areas of life have demanded immediate attention, and just like that, I became swallowed in day to day minutiae, forgetting to iron the school shirts, forgetting to notice the sunshine, forgetting to notice that I had once again turned into an, "In a minute..." mum, and I so very I quickly lost sight of the horizon, the future, the hope.
Then, I was reminded, very gently, very quietly, by this poem coming my way once more.
I cannot be 100%, 100% of the time, no one can.
I am blissfully lucky to be able to do what I do, and truly grateful, and sometimes I too forget to reflect, to do the exercises I say to my clients; to give thanks and to just let go.
To everyone to whom I have ever crossed paths with, all my lovely, wonderful clients and friends, thank you. You have always been my inspiration. I feel truly blessed to have had the chance to work with you, and to those whom I have never met that get the chance to read this beautiful poem, I hope it does just the same for you, and gives you brief release, if only for a moment.
Ditch the spare tyre.
Top five tips for burning the rubber.
1. SEE THE FUTURE: Get a picture of you slimmer or find an image that is an achievable weight on the net.
2. FEEL THE SUCESS: Every time you worry about ‘gaining’ weight or the weight you are, just think about that image, let yourself dream of being at that point. Moving freely, laughing, having fun.
3. LEARN TO BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT: you can do it; think of all of your other life achievements, you can shift a pound easily in comparison.
4. BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT: just make little different choices; decide to treat yourself to something healthy for a change, treat your body to that bit of pineapple or that blueberry smoothy, why not?
5. JUST DO IT: Go on, just treat yourself to healthy, every day. Have that lovely yogurt infront of the telly, really look forward to it, your reward at the end of the day.
If we kept saying to a child when they were learning to ride, “Look out for that bush, look out for that person, look out for that lamp post!!” What do we think will invariably happen? ....And what would happen if we kept on saying and saying and saying it?
That’s what we do when we’re scared of gaining weight or when we focus on our fat bits, so with the help of tip no1 lets focus on where we really want to go. (It’s Okay to see a positive future you know, we can just store that image in our heads and no-one will know).
Feel the sensations of being slimmer, use every sense to truly experience the future so you can excite your imagination and then your body to really want it.
It will take a little time to persuade the belief to stick, don’t worry, these things do take time… Think of how long you have persuaded yourself to eat crap food and finally believed it was good for you, it made you happy.
Eventually the awkward practice will ease off, and before you know it , you are doing your visual mantras daily just as easily as you managed to negatively do it in the past. Who knows, you may even give yourself a wolf whistle at being soon very gorgeous.
Then finally, less the pressure of performance and the fear of failure, and before you even realise it, you will be choosing the more healthy, natural options, and that spare tyre? Well, that’s for those people who are scared that something may go wrong, they may crash into a bush or something.
Go. Kick arse and burn the rubber.
And of course, that's what the Hypnotherapy can do; you can shift those old, tired, subconscious beliefs that just don’t work for you anymore, it can access that part of your mind really easily, the part that takes time and a little persistence to reach in everyday day to day life. It may be that you don’t want a one to one session, so go and have a look on youtube, there is a whole wealth of hypnosis videos for you to check out.
And if you want a more intensive, bespoke experience,
just call or text Tracey : 07976 629098
Sessions also available via Skype.
Thinking out loud.
Looking into space
Thank you to my wonderful guest writer for this lovely blog.
Everyone is getting therapy. Everyone. Well, clearly not everyone, but a Sunday morning post therapy de-brief with a friend who had her session the evening before or my flatmate who had her session on Wednesday, is no longer an unusual feature of the week.
Therapy (and in particular hypnotherapy) is a pretty new development in my life, with a total of 5 sessions on tally at my time of typing. I’d thought about therapy for a while from my mid-20s (now 31) but the idea of brain spewing (as I like to call it) on a stranger was a pretty uncomfortable concept. Opening the treasure trove of mental junk accumulated through my teens and 20s just sounded like effort. And with that came the doubts and insecurities. What will I talk about? What will he/she think of me? Am I a nut job? Will it work? What do I even want to achieve?
Although I had a niggling idea of the kind of things that I thought were bothering me, I entered my first session nervous and unsure. Five sessions on, do I think therapy has been some miracle cure? No. I don’t think there was anything to “cure” in the first place. What I do know is that you don’t have to be crazy to see a therapist. You don’t need to be an emotional wreck struggling to function or suffer from addictions or OCD or any other reason we give ourselves to just not do it. In my last session I spoke about some personal ambitions I had and we explored how I might get there. That 1 hour a week with an unbiased, objective therapist, with no personal agenda has helped me re-focus on the issues at hand and start the process of becoming less burdened, re-energised and just not so damn hard on myself!
We’re only too happy to invest in the physical. A nice new outfit, some highlights in my hair, that brand new juicer and boot camp plan to keep in tip top shape. But what about the mind? What about the soul? It’s only natural that sometimes they might need tonic too.
So if you think you could benefit from chatting stuff through; whatever “stuff” looks like to you; what have you got to lose?
You’re not mental for seeing a therapist, you’re a pretty smart cookie.
Black Sheep.
Black seep in a herd
Today I read an article based on someone being called, “Too sensitive”, naturally every part of me wanted to respond “Aaaargh!!!” to the resolute victimness of it, as amongst other things, the statement, “You are too sensitive” is as much a wording structure issue as it is a judgemental issue.
I was reminded of a recent event where I (unusually ;-)) had some objections, and was told that, out of 30+ people, I was THE ONLY ONE who had complained.
Now, many moons ago, if a person of status had said this to me, I would have quietly thought, ‘OMG! There’s something wrong with me!’
30+ people against 1….!!!
And backed down, feeling my opinion was 'lesser'.
But actually, over the years, I have got to know myself quite well, and whilst I can be too sensitive (sometimes) too opinionated (other times), I can also perceive really well when something is unfair and am a great fighter of the ‘underdog’. So, rather than accept this statement in the way it was designed, I chose to accept this divide and conquer statement as a compliment,
‘In a poll of 31, you think I am unique, Awww, thank you’.
Because actually as much as I value being part of a tribe, I also rather value difference; I like difference, I enjoy difference.
Don’t get me wrong, not everyone does, but in certain contexts if I am labelled different, thank you. -It has taken a while to embrace being called, THE Black Sheep, but I actually, I rather like black sheep.
Being called, ‘Too’ anything can be hurtful or painful, especially when we are emotionally intelligent or empathic and just want to be part of a group or a unit. But then, it is about considering the context.
As a Hypnotherapist, part of the practice, (alongside the counselling skills) is to be aware of words and how we use them; perhaps we use metaphors to describe how we feel, or perhaps we rely on one of our senses more than the other; with training and experience I look for, listen to and sense all of these things when I am face to face with a client. I am acutely aware of word structures and how we use them to persuade ourselves to do, or not do something.
So imagine my surprise when in this article said loads about being ‘Too sensitive’ but gave little explanation of why the sentence structure alone can cause distress.
Definition.
Criticism:
noun
The expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes.
-‘Perceived’, even in the definition of criticism there is a singular opinion.....And there lies the rub, if we hear a stand alone statement such as,
‘YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE’
Behind that statement is the sentiment of a huge 'US' against just a little you.
(‘Divide and conquer’)
The use of ‘Too’ can suggest that there are opinion polls, a mass of people and great swathes of experience to judge and asses us, evidence to all conclude that you are TOO sensitive or OVER reacting.
(‘Over…’ again, another example that suggests that there is a preset/defined ‘norm’ and you are not complying to it). These are isolating statements that imply,
YOU are the only one that is different.
And perhaps these statements are true, but ONLY according to the one person saying it…. What they perceive.
So what if we look at the fact that everyone is different?
Some of us have blue eyes, some brown -we are all different. Imagine saying to someone, “Your eyes are too brown/blue.” Of course we wouldn’t... Because we are aware that people are physically genetically different, and there’s little we/they can do about it, even the statement feels uncomfortable because we are not used to saying or hearing it.
What if we too, are all emotionally different? intellectually different? etc etc… Then, rather than thinking that one way is right or wrong, we use what we have got to the best of our capabilities, and make the best out of who we really are?
If we are a black sheep, be the fluffiest, butt-kicking black sheep there is.
So how about we look at any judgemental sentence and change it to,
“You are too sensitive (for me).” “You are over sensitive (and I can’t understand)"
...Then walk away knowing that the person who said the statement, just can’t keep up with us?
Footnote: Absolutely, we may be wrong, but that’s OK isn’t it? We are all allowed to get things wrong now and again, surely?
Love Actually (in little miracles).
love
There are loads of reasons why I chose to practice Hypnotherapy and become a Hypnotherapist, I mostly practice because I believe that there is so much we don't know about what we do and why we do it- there is a whole unseen world out there and in here (*points to the head).
My Grandparents were together for what seemed like forever when I was young, and were happy together. My grandma was disabled very early on with Rheumatoid Arthritis, and my Grandpa cared for her, and from their late 40's onwards they were rarely separated.
In his mid 60s my Grandpa was diagnosed with (MND) Motor Neurone Disease (a muscle wasting disease that works its way through the system destroying muscle after muscle), it started with his foot; he just became unable to lift it to walk- it would just hang loosely. The Doctor diagnosed MND and so we all faced the news.....
And for decades that was all it was, just a dropped foot.
One day my grandmother took ill and sadly died quite suddenly, shocking us all but not as much as Grandpa, of course. He was lost without her, and so it began; The motor Neurone Disease took hold, and within a month it had worked its way through his body and my Grandfather died, just like that. He had no reason to keep living.
I was very close to my grandparents and I know, that my grandpa wanted to go and he 'allowed' his disease to take over....For him, in that last month the disease was a blessing- he didn't want to carry on without my grandmother.
Like everyone, we are all different, and all individual, and all react in unique ways to our challenges in life. One mans' rubbish is another mans' treasure and all that.
I have been very fortunate to witness what was for me, a miracle of the body and the minds' engineering; it has moulded me into the therapist I am today. It has composed my beliefs into what they are today, I know there is more to life than cells and biology and I am fortunate to have witnessed the minds' power in a truly awesome way.
So, as I walked along today, behind my parents (who surprised visited this weekend) I watched them walking ahead side by side, my dad held out his hand and my mum took it, neither needed to look.
The Motor Neurone Disease Association.
http://www.mndassociation.org/
The Widowhood Effect.
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/11/science-of-longtime-couples-who-die-together.html?mid=emailshare_scienceofus